Root Canals: The Rawness of Aging Gracefully...or Awkwardly

Well, I had my first root canal today. 

It wasn’t unexpected; I’ve had 3 teeth crowned this year. I’ve had some tooth pain. I booked the appointment and went to Greeley fully expecting I’d end up having a procedure- or two. (I guess I was lucky: Only one. (But I’ll need another soon.) 

I do not enjoy going to the dentist. In fact, it’s become emotionally difficult. I had perfect teeth until I had children---just one small cavity. I also had braces. My teeth were pretty, and they were healthy. I always brushed and flossed and had regular dental check ups. (Still, after my fourth baby was born, I needed a mouthful of fillings. In the sixteen years since, my fillings have fallen out and been replaced with deeper ones. More teeth have needed work. Which brings me to today. 

The dentist.

It’s hard for me to go there. The past few times, I’ve cried. right there in the dentist's chair, during procedures. I’ve cried tears of frustration. Tears that come, unbidden, embarrassingly real and wet and hot on my cheeks. 

This afternoon I was in the chair at the endodontist’s office, giving the doc my dental history, and, without any warning, I started to cry. It’s embarrassing- but here’s the thing: I’m mad, and I’m frustrated. I did everything I could to keep my teeth in good shape.

And they pretty much suck. 

It feels unfair. Actually, it is unfair, but so is life, and that’s just  the way things go.

So I cried. I cried when I gave my dental history, and I said, “I’m sorry. I think I’m just frustrated.” ( I didn't add that I'm hormonal and in perimenopause... but that might have something to do with it all.) I also cried when the procedure started, and when it ended (It took an hour. Apparently I have very long roots. And I was so thankful to be so extremely numb (lidocaine numb, not emotionally numb). I tried to stop, but I cried so much that it was obvious I’d cried. And having it all be public and raw was horrible. I felt silly. I felt female. And I felt loss. 

One positive was the endodontist. He was phenomenal. He was also compassionate...The Real Deal. If I ever had to choose a husband again, he’d make the final cut. He was that good, and despite feeling silly, I appreciated his excellent care. 

I left the office with a numb mouth and a sad heart. I just felt raw. I was mourning a loss and I let myself feel it.